Your Self Worth Just Is

Written by Michelle Shelton

Oct 10, 2023

Your self worth just is. It’s not something that goes up or down based on your actions. It is not measured by your success, your possessions, your body weight, your appearance, your accolades, or your relationships. In fact, it is immeasurable. You can’t earn more of it by doing more, serving more, being more. In fact, you don’t need to earn it at all. 

You might read these things and find them hard to believe as true. If this is you, I offer you this. Finding space to cultivate this belief will be the most impactful change you can make in your life. 

Others might read these things and believe that they are true. Yet sometimes sometimes our actions don’t align with what we profess to believe. I call this believing in our heads (logically we know this to be true, or we want to believe it as true), but not yet believing in our hearts (we keep falling back into patterns even though we “know” they aren’t serving us).

How often do you get stuck in the hustle, unknowingly or unintentionally trying to earn or prove your worth? Or how often are your actions driven by what other people might think, fearing judgement or seeking acceptance?

Any time you find yourself setting aside your own values, priorities, and perspectives to meet the expectations of others, it may be a signal that you have disconnected from your own inherent worthiness. Some signals to watch for could be:

• You find yourself hustling. Working, doing, achieving, yet It’s never enough. Always something more you can do, always something you could have done better. No rest for the weary. Burnout is a badge of honor.

• You find yourself holding tight to rigid rules. It’s all or nothing. Maybe you’ve exercised 5 days in a row, but if you miss the 6th, the other 5 don’t count. You failed your exercise goals. 

• You find yourself needing control. Letting go of control means things could get messy. Messy is uncomfortable because it might bring judgement, calling your worthiness into question along with it. 

• You find yourself putting other people’s values or needs above your own. Putting other people’s needs or values first is a great way to be liked, and being liked is a quick route to feeling “worthy”, at least temporarily. But this self neglect feeds the unworthiness cycle by sending the message that your own needs and values aren’t worthy of being seen and met.

• You worry excessively about the judgement of others. What other people think is more important than what you think, again devaluing your own thoughts and values and reinforcing the message that you are not worthy of being heard.

But, you might argue, I need these tools to motivate me. I don’t want to stop achieving, serving, progressing, pushing myself to be better. If I let myself off the hook, stop the hustle, stop worrying about what others think, I might just stop caring all together. 

Here is the great news. Once you let go of the values, expectations, and opinions of others you create space for your own values, purpose, and priorities to emerge. Rather than being left with a void of laziness and lack of motivation, you instead have the space to uncover you, full of purpose, values, and gifts to offer the world. Rather than sinking into a selfish mess, you rise to your full potential. 

How can you tell the difference between when you are serving, achieving, progressing, pushing from a place of worthiness vs. a place of unworthiness? Here are some things to watch for:

• From a place of worthiness, you feel connected to your values, your purpose, your strengths. From a place of unworthiness, you feel disconnected, always questioning if you’ve said or done the right thing.

• From a place of worthiness, you are comfortable saying no if something does not work for you. From unworthiness, you put other people’s opinions first, saying yes even if it compromises things that are important to you. 

• From a place of worthiness, you learn from your failures and setbacks. From unworthiness, you see your failures and setbacks as a personal reflection about you.

• From a place of worthiness, you feel joy in serving. From a place of unworthiness, you feel drained and resentful. 

• From a place of worthiness, you empathize with other people’s feelings and hold space for them. From a place of unworthiness, you take responsibility for other people's emotions and try to prevent, shield, or “fix” them.

Most of us fall into these patterns at times. And when we do, it is good to remember this: Your self worth just is. It does not come because of what you do or how you serve or who you're with. We do, and serve, and be with others because that is where we find fulfillment. But it's not where we find our worth. The journey of life isn't to earn your worth. It's to discover that it was already there, in fact, has been there the whole time.