The Gifts of Challenging Emotions

Written by Michelle Shelton

August 15, 2023

A few years ago I confided to a friend that I woke up most mornings feeling afraid. I was a new mother and often felt inadequate to the task of raising my three boys well. Every day I worried about how to teach them, love them, protect them from experiencing the pains I experienced growing up. My friend looked at me concerned and suggested I should consider taking medication. I was so intrigued by this response.  I was confused at her implication that fear was a bad thing to experience. That I needed to get rid of it or stop it. She saw it as a problem.  I saw it as one of my greatest teachers. 

To be fair, when I first started experiencing this daily fear, triggered by the birth of my first child, it was a problem. I wasn’t fully aware of it. I saw it more as truth. I was certain I was doing everything wrong and overwhelmed by the demands I felt so inadequate to meet. 

Everything changed when I gave myself space to see the fear. Instead of getting caught up in the thoughts of the fear (I shouldn’t have been so impatient…I should have said that differently…why is he doing [insert challenging, age appropriate behavior]...what am I doing wrong?), I would simply notice the fear (my mind is racing, my body is tense, I am feeling afraid).

Over time, as I observed the patterns of my fears, I realized that I did have deep fears about parenting. I didn’t know how to handle big emotions. I didn’t know how to hold space for underdeveloped brains to learn, make mistakes, and be messy. I didn’t know how to support their vulnerability because I was so uncomfortable with my own. And, as I went deep with my fears, I realized I hadn’t yet made peace with the pains from my own childhood. My fears led me to learn and build skills to be the mother I wanted to be. It led me to healing I would never have otherwise known or experienced. 

One of the most transformational things I have learned is to stop fighting, ignoring, and pushing away difficult feelings. Feelings like fear, hurt, rejection, even shame. It is true that these feelings can be difficult to experience and process. But like every other emotion, they have a purpose that, if we understand and tap into, we can use to help us grow and become our best selves. 

After spending years pushing away and protecting against these emotions, I am learning to be grateful for them. They are signals to my values, and often a window to examine past pain that needs to be healed. I am grateful for times when I have experienced deep rejection because it taught me to finally, unconditionally, accept myself. I am grateful for my fears because they taught me about past pain that needed to be understood, healed, and set free. I am grateful for my feelings of inadequacy because they led me to where I needed to learn and develop new skills. I am grateful for grief because it shows me where I truly loved. 

Of course, we have to be intentional about how we navigate and manage these emotions. The goal is not to let them have free rein over our minds or to be in the driver’s seat of our choices. The goal is to be aware of them, understand what they are signaling, and move forward with intention, aligned with your values. 

These are some helpful ground rules as you begin to make peace with your own difficult emotions:

1. Accept them. Instead of pushing them away, acknowledge them. Try saying to them, I see you, I’m here with you, I’m here for you. Addressing them helps you see them as something separate from yourself and creates space to prevent overwhelm while still acknowledging their presence. 

2. Understand they are not you. You feel them, you are not them. They do not define you any more than what you ate for lunch defines you. As a human being, you should expect to feel the full range of emotions. It is normal and healthy.

3. Observe their patterns. Ask, when do I feel you? Look for patterns that can teach you about what they may be signaling for you. What is the root? What is the underlying need?

4. Keep perspective. Just like an old friend may come and give you advice, they are here to share their perspective. You get to decide how relevant this advice is to the current circumstance.

5. Move forward with intention. With a values based approach, determine what action you should take that is aligned with your values and appropriately responsive to the needs behind the feelings. 

Of course, none of us intentionally seeks out challenging emotions, that is not the goal. We simply accept them when they come. They inevitably will. It is part of an open hearted life. And when they do, we do not let them drive. Your courageous, compassionate, confident self always belongs in the driver’s seat. Just be there to hear and understand its story. Then act with intention.