What Are You Attached To?

Written by Michelle Shelton, RDN

May 16, 2023

I’ve been thinking a lot about attachment recently. Attachment is a fundamental human need. It begins at birth as we seek attachment to our caregivers. Our complete dependence on them necessitates an attachment where we learn our needs will be met. We learn to trust that when we are hungry, we will be fed. When we are lonely, we will be cuddled. When we are tired, we will be soothed to sleep. When we need a diaper change, someone will respond. When these basic needs are met in early infancy, we begin to build this attachment. 

This attachment need continues through development, but our needs expand as we grow. We begin to develop a sense of self, and with this comes the need for this self to be seen, loved, understood, and appreciated for who they are. In his book, Hold On To Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld describes the following 6 levels of attachment: 

1. Physical proximity - Just being physically close begins to form an attachment.

2. Sameness - Sameness is liking and doing the same things. Have you ever found yourself following the choices, and actions of others to feel this acceptance, this attachment?

3. Belonging and Loyalty - Feeling that you are part of the group, and offering your loyalty to the group in return. Sometimes we offer our loyalty first in the hopes of receiving the belonging. 

4. Significance - The knowledge that you matter and are important, that you would be missed if you were not there.

5. Feelings - The ability to experience the full range of emotions and be understood and comforted.

6. Being known - The ability to share all of who you are know that you will be accepted and loved.

The deeper you go into these 6 levels, the more vulnerable you are and the more potential you have for the deepest fulfillment from that attachment. With that vulnerability also comes a deeper risk of being hurt. Therefore, for our own protection, not all attachments form to the deepest level. In fact, many only transcend the first 2 or 3. With these shallow attachments, you will struggle to feel the deepest fulfillment and satisfaction, leading to a continual hunger. Not all relationships need to be this deep. All you need is at least 1 person who you can attach this deeply with. As a child, this would be your caregiver. Once you mature, this attachment can come from your relationship with yourself. 

With this brief discussion of attachment, my question is this. What are you attached to? Or, said another way, where do you seek your fulfillment and satisfaction?

Ideally, we had a mature, well attached adult who we attached to in our childhood. In these cases, healthy development naturally leads us to build healthy attachments with ourselves and to seek healthy attachments with others. We find other people who are safe, accept us for who we are, and can hold space for the ups and downs of our emotional experience. And we can do all of these things for ourselves.

But the truth is, many of us did not experience this as a child. Maybe we had parents who loved us and cared for us, but could not hold space for our emotions, or could not love all of us. They likely never learned to hold space for their emotions, or to love all of themselves. Of course they could nor do this for us. You cannot give what you did not get and what you still do not have. 

In the absence of this healthy development, our strong attachment drive leads us to seek attachment in anything that can fill this void. It may be food, or video games, or friends. It may be work or achievement. It may even be drugs or other addictive behaviors. 

Again I ask, what are you attached to? Then consider, does this attachment allow me to be all of me? Does it allow me to be vulnerable, to feel all of my feelings? Does it engender curiosity and courage? Does it allow me to take risks, to make mistakes, to even fail, and still be ok? Does it leave me feeling fulfilled and satisfied or continually hungry? Does it draw me to lean in to life, to connect more deeply with others? 

If the answer to any of these things is no, you may consider working to build healthier and deeper attachments in your life, starting with you. Begin to build a deeper, stronger, safer relationship with yourself. 

Next week I’ll go into more detail on each of the 6 levels of attachment and how you can apply these to yourself. For now, and for this week, start by noticing. Notice the thoughts you have about yourself. Don’t judge them, just notice them. Write them down on a paper or your phone’s notes app. Capture them at different times throughout the day. As you’re getting ready, as you’re at work, when you’re with your family or friends, as you watch tv, as you eat. However you spend your time, notice what you are saying to yourself. As you get a running list, consider if these are things you would say to your best friend. Would they still be your best friend if you talked to them this way? 

Just notice and consider. Be curious and open. See what you observe. From this place of noticing, you will be ready for change.