Nourishing Confidence

Written by Michelle Shelton

June 13, 2023

Confidence is an important but sometimes challenging attribute to nourish. We sometimes hear things like “fake it until you make it” as the anecdote to a lack of confidence. This has never resonated with me. I prefer to say “nourish it until it grows”, deep and strong inside your heart and mind. But what exactly are you nourishing? What does it mean to have confidence? 

1. Confidence is knowing that what I feel is what I feel

Feelings are an important cue to your inner experience as you navigate life. They signal your values, what feels good or right to you, what you don’t like or want. They signal when a boundary has been crossed. They signal when you have unmet needs or when you need more support.

Sometimes we look outside to determine how we should feel about a situation. Doing this undermines our confidence  by disconnecting us from our own experience. Instead of listening to and learning from what we are feeling, we shut it down, suppress it, ignore it, control it, or numb it. It’s like driving a car while using the navigation system from someone else's vehicle. With your navigation off and overridden by someone else's, it is hard to get to your true destination. 

2. Confidence is acting according to my values

What you value is a deeply personal and individual thing. Have you ever stopped to reflect on what you value? Sometimes we take on the values of others without even thinking about it. Often we look external to determine what our values should be. When you take the time to understand your personal values and act accordingly this fuels your confidence and frees you from the expectations and approval of others. 

3. Confidence is knowing my purpose

Each of us is born with something special and unique to us, something the world needs. It is not dependent on how we look, what we do, what we achieve, or who approves. It is our unique gift to the world. Finding and tapping into this purpose is like tapping into our heart. Here we find the deepest source of courage and strength that fuels our confidence to act. 

4. Confidence is loving myself for who I am

We all have an inner critic. It can have many jobs, but fundamentally, its goal is to motivate us to be better by convincing us of how bad we are and how much work we have to do. This futile effort at motivation actually erodes our confidence and disconnects us from our strengths. 

Loving yourself for who you are does not let you off the hook from striving to be better. Rather, it fuels a connection to the goodness inside of you that unlocks and activates the very strengths and motivations that lead to future growth.

5. Confidence is believing I can do hard things

Confidence has endless tolerance for struggle, failure, and difficulty. It sees purpose in the journey and growth as the goal. This is what makes confidence different from arrogance. Arrogance needs to be right and has an exaggerated sense of one’s importance or abilities. Arrogance is a facade that crumbles with failure. Confidence, on the other hand, is what leads you to get back up when things don’t go as you expected, to stay the course when things get hard, to focus on growth in the face of struggle. 

Rather than seeking or perpetuating a false sense of competence, nourish confidence by connecting deep into your feelings, values, and purpose. Cultivate healthy and supportive self-talk and a belief in your ability to engage with struggle. All of these actions will lead you deep into your heart, the deepest and truest foundation for lasting confidence.