Sitting WITH Your Pain vs. IN Your Pain

Written by Michelle Shelton

Dec 12, 2023

Making lasting, positive change in your life will always require some inner work. Inner work is the process of reflecting on and uncovering deep beliefs, often hidden to our awareness, that drive our behavior. This process is a powerful tool for change because once you bring awareness to the belief, you have the option to change or evolve it into a new belief. 

Inner work involves getting to know yourself on a deeper level as you bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, your wants and needs. While this can bring deep insight and connection to self, it can also bring awareness to deep pain. This can be a difficult and very uncomfortable experience. What can you do when this happens? It can help to shift from sitting IN the pain to sitting WITH the pain. 

Sitting IN the pain means you are fully immersed in it, flooded by it, even overwhelmed by it. It's deeply uncomfortable and may even feel frightening. The pain is your full experience in that moment. 

Sitting WITH the pain, on the other hand, is similar to how you might interact with and support a good friend in distress. You are fully aware of the pain, not trying to ignore, suppress, or fix it, but it is something separate from you. You sit with it like you sit with a friend, offering it a safe space to unload its burden, withholding judgement and maintaining a separate calm. 

Learning to sit WITH your pain can be an unfamiliar experience.  Here are some steps you can try to practice and build this skill. 

1. First, recognize the pain is just a part of you, it's not all of you. The pain is real, absolutely. But it is not you. You are the sum of many parts, some which may carry pain, and some of which are deeply resilient, unaffected, and even whole. 

2. Second, separate you from the feeling. It can help to address it. “Hi, pain. I see you. I notice what happens in my body when you are here. I notice the thoughts I often have when I feel you. I see you and I'm here for you.” addressing it in this way reinforces the experience of separateness while still maintaining a connected relationship.

3. Finally, cultivate loving kindness, compassion, and curiosity. You need to create a safe space to truly sit with your pain. No one wants to sit with someone who will judge and berate them in their pain. You shouldn't treat yourself this way, either.  Offer yourself loving kindness. Be curious and open to what is, without expectation. 

We were meant to suffer in connection with others. As a child, this is what secure attachment should have done for you. With secure attachment, you could feel and experience the full depth of joy and pain in connection with an adult who made you feel safe, soothed, and seen. You had someone who could sit with you in your pain. Not blend with the pain or get overwhelmed by the pain, just sit with the pain. 

If you were lucky enough to have this as a child, chances are you matured into an adult who could do this for yourself. You likely naturally know how to sit with your pain without getting swept up in it. If you didn't have this kind of attachment, the good news is you can start now. Start now by practicing noticing it, unbending or separating from it, and loving it.