Three Powerful Lessons in Self Care I Learned from Parenting

Written by Michelle Shelton

September 5, 2023

I consider my whole adult life to be one of growth and healing from my childhood struggles. In college I became a dietitian and learned about intuitive eating. I first learned of mindfulness. I began to develop the skills of mind and body attunement. I took my first steps into understanding my emotions and withholding judgment over my thoughts and feelings. 

As a young adult, I entered the professional world. I began to build communication and leadership skills. I learned about teams and organizational dynamics. I developed an appreciation for the unique value of each individual. I learned about purpose, mission, and vision and the roles they play in driving engagement and fulfillment. It’s where I first discovered my love for coaching and supporting others on their growth journey. 

And then, I became a mother. I have no other words to describe it other than it totally broke me open. All of the other learning and growth to this point, though incredibly important groundwork, felt superficial compared to the depth of awareness and need for change and growth that I discovered in the early years of my parenting journey. 

In my quest to become a better mother, what I really discovered was how to become a better me. And when I discovered how to become a better me, a better mother to my children naturally emerged. I’ve read so many books by so many talented, insightful experts. I am grateful to all of them. Their messages rest in my heart and have become a part of me. There is no way to summarize it all. But here I want to highlight three insights that have played the most significant role in my journey. 

1. The Awakened Family, by Dr. Shefali Tsarbari: You don’t need to be fixed. You came into this world whole and complete, you are still whole and complete. You need support to unfold, to become who you were meant to be. 

When I finally learned I did not have to “fix” my child to match expectations of the culture or myself I was finally able to see him and love him for who he is. At the same time, when I finally learned I did not have to “fix” myself, I was finally able to love myself for who I am and, in turn, become who I am meant to be. I used to think that my sensitive, reflective nature was a flaw. Now I realize it is my superpower, something to cultivate and nurture. My way to give to the world. What a gift to be able to love me for me. 

2. The Whole Brain Child, by Dr. Tina Bryson and Dr. Dan Siegel: Outward behavior is a sign of inward struggle. Instead of judging the outward behavior (what a bad kid!), get curious about the struggle (what need is this behavior communicating). Connect first, then redirect the behavior. What are the underlying emotions? What needs are not being met? What skill needs to be developed? 

When I was able to shift my view of my outward behavior (stress eating, short temper, procrastination, avoidance, too much time on social media, etc.) to a non-judgmental stance, I finally began to understand my struggle. I wasn’t a bad mother for sometimes being afraid, bad tempered, or overly reactive. I was a good mother who needed to develop new skills of emotion regulation and attachment, skills I had not had modeled for me. My source of shame became a source of healing. 

3. Hold On To Your Kids, by Dr. Gordon Neufeld: Our attachments matter. We enter the world seeking attachment, the feeling of belonging to something, feeling important to someone, feeling safe to experience the full spectrum of emotions, and feeling fully seen and understood. If we received these things from the adults around us we matured into adults who could give these to ourselves. If we did not, our work is to restore this inner attachment to ourselves.

Until we become adults with a secure attachment to self, we will continually look outward to external sources for fulfillment. When we finally believe in our own worthiness, not because of anything we do or say, not because of anything we have or how we look, not because of who we are with, simply worthy because we are, we are finally free to live a life of joy - not free of struggle, but free of insecurity and dependence on others. Our relationship with ourselves then becomes our greatest strength. 

Even as I write these thoughts, I am fully aware of how inadequate this post is to express all of the wisdom and depth from these and so many other experts that have helped me on my journey. This list could go on, but these three are core anchors for me. My core truths. You don’t need to be fixed. When you struggle, you need support, not judgment. Nothing can replace a healthy attachment and relationship with self.